Free to be Feistier
By most people’s standards, I had a pretty crappy summer. Just to recap all the chaos, I spent ten days in the hospital, I got diagnosed with a new medical condition, I have been on medical leave from my job for almost three months and I am getting divorced. I have experienced every single negative and unpleasant emotion that you can imagine; physical pain, fear, uncertainty, sadness, anger, regret, anxiety, guilt, hatred, jealously, hopelessness….the list could really go on for the entire blog post.
However, I am not going to focus on any of those. I am going to focus on the positive things that my summer of crappy chaos has given me.
I am in a position where, other than caring for myself and my medical condition, I am actually free of any major responsibilities. I am not working and am about to exhaust my FMLA protection. I am well on my way to being a single lady. For all intents and purposes, I am pretty much free to do whatever the eff I want.
I am free to play my music as loud as I want. I am free to eat mushrooms in every meal. I am free to have seven different types of body wash in my shower. I am free to have unicorn themed décor in my house. I am free to sing loudly and off key to cheesy 80’s songs. I am free to buy three different kinds of ice cream every time I go to Publix.
I am free from walking on eggshells in my own home. I am free from having someone judge and make negative comments regarding how I chose to self-care for myself. I am free to focus on nothing but me and my little defective heart. As a person with a chronic medical condition, there are so many things that I will never be free from: medications, medical bills, doctors’ appointments, talking about my bodily functions with strangers, blood draws, fights with my insurance company….again, another list that could be an entire blog post. As frustrating as these constraints are, they motivate me to find all the joy and celebration I can in my new found freedom.
In addition to freedom, I also have the gift of opportunity. The opportunity to rethink my career and decide if working 60+ hour weeks is how I want to continue to spend my time. The opportunity to decide if I want to stay in Florida or move someplace else. The opportunity to meet a cute nurse and fall in love again. The opportunity to be loved by someone who won’t see me as burden. The opportunity to really, really think about how I want to spend the rest of my life and what people I want by my side as I continue on my health journey.
While I was in a particularly rotten mood one day, a friend told me that you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. At the time I thought it was trite and wanted to punch her in the throat, but I have since decided that she was right. It has rained a boat load of crap on me this summer, but I am starting to see the rainbow appear. I am seeing the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. I started this blog to write about “finding the humor and happiness thru the medical mayhem.” More than ever, I feel like that is truly my mission. I get to face all my upcoming medical mayhem while also getting the freedom and opportunity to carve out a whole new life for myself. Be warned….I am free to be feistier than ever.