The Feisty Fontan

It’s been about three months since the life that I lived for thirteen years came to an end and I was presented with the opportunity to have a fresh start. My divorce process is (hopefully) coming to an end soon and I am reflecting on the realizations that I’ve gained from this experience.

The first major realization I had was the fact that losing my fairy tale ideal of marriage hurt more than losing my actual marriage. My grandparents were married for 69 years and died 28 days apart. All I ever wanted for my life was a love story as epic as that. However, believing so deeply in this ideal blinded me to the fact that my marriage did not have the qualities necessary to sustain that kind of love and commitment.

I realized that I missed the independent, strong willed and feisty woman that I once was. I realized that being unhappy had diminished the fire that makes me who I am. I realized that somewhere along the way I had lost part of my voice and pieces of who I am.

I’ve realized that pain and heartache and misery make you appreciate true happiness that much more. I’ve realized that you can’t totally rebuild your life until it comes crumbling down. I’ve realized sometimes the thing you fear the most could be the thing that ends up setting you free.

I’ve realized that I am very lucky and very loved. I’ve always realized that I am blessed with an amazingly loving family and awesomely supportive friends, but this event just reminded me of that. I realized that I will never be alone in this world.

I’ve realized that my little defective, backwards, mended heart is still capable of loving someone. I’ve realized that my heart defect makes me no less deserving of being treated with love and respect. I’ve realized that it is going to take a truly exceptional person willing to take on my myriad of health issues. I’ve also realized that this exceptional person does exist.

Now, all these life epiphanies have kept me fairly busy. I’ve realized that it takes a lot of focus and energy to rediscover yourself and to figure out which direction a new beginning should take. I’ve realized that trying to wrap my head around all the life surprises I’ve had the past six months is going to take some time. I’ve also realized that as much as I love writing the blog, there is a benefit to unplugging a bit and taking breaks from my online life.

But out of all the things I’ve realized lately, the most important one is the realization that happiness is attainable. I can be struggling with my health and facing challenges and still be happy. I can be a little unsure and scared of the future and still be happy. I can still be in the middle of piecing my life together and still be happy. Actually, the most important realization I’ve gained is not that I CAN be happy, but that I AM happy.